(photo via defamer)

•MOSCOW• mar 16/09

Mickey I fucking love you to death fella but you’re killing me here. Just received a telegraph from main man who got picked up last night for pissing on Lenin’s tomb. He wants me to send him some rubles by Western Union to spring his ass but it’s a no go cuz I’m rubleless. I guess he bumped into Toby Keith who was on his ‘Fuck Yeah Democracy’ tour and the two of them fell in a vat of Stoly. Just because you’re “fucking shit up for the red, white, and blue” doesn’t mean it won’t get you arrested.

Sorry to get outta the way of the ‘Ram Jam’ but Mickey’s gonna be a high school drama teacher before the year is out and it’s gonna be bed time for bonzo with a side of ludes and an overdue copy of The Artist’s Way from the LA public library.

(photo via The Superficial)

•MIAMI• mar16/09

From my answering machine this morning:

“Hey Chris, it’s Kristin Cavallari. I can’t hang out today because Heidi Montag dropped out of an extra strength Massengill appearance today and I was the only person they could get to come work for product. I don’t actually use the stuff but my IMDB’s a little lean and they said there was a chance this could be on MTV2 in Canada. Times have been a little tough lately, I blame the recession. Last week I did a movie of the week with Matthew Lillard though which was cool, I was just background but the casting director recognized me from when I was an extra on Battlestar Galactica last year and said hi so you never know if that could open some doors. Anyways, I’ll try and make this up to you. Byyeeee!” -click-

For the record I never said I was hanging out with her today.

(photo via Socialite Life)

•MALIBU• mar15/09

I try to surround myself with different types of friends, it’s just a thing I do. If all I did was hang out with Bill Murray then I feel I’d probably just turn into him, you know, sitting around reading Nylon pretending to enjoy Animal Collective records. If all I did was hang out with Al Pacino then I’d just resign to a life of collecting old crime scene photos and rubbing truffle oil all over my body because I can. I’m a guy that likes his friends to shape his own diversity, so I like hanging out with different people on a daily basis. I’ve always believed it was important…until recently.

I like Matthew, I do. He’s got a heart of gold but the fact is that he subscribes to a very different world view than I do. For one, he believes that each of his limbs is working in congruity with another creature on earth. This leads to a lot of guilt for Matthew as an active guy because he’ll wonder if when he’s running on the beach it’s causing some alpaca in Bolivia to run off a cliff to its death. Fun guy right? Anyways, it all came to a head yesterday at the beach when I told Matthew about the time I had a freak collision with a dolphin while catching morning breakers. He told me that the planet had sent me a challenge and I’d failed. He said that Flipper was representative of our society’s impending demise and that by not getting out of the way of the inevitable I stood in the way of our progress as a species. That was the genesis of his argument and it all culminated with him demanding I fuck his girlfriend. It all made me very uncomfortable.

(photo via dlisted)

•LOS ANGELES• mar14/09

So the girls came over to play Singstar last night and things got a little out of hand. Now I know a lot of people out there don’t know a lot about Samantha but I’ve gotten to know her over the years and all I can say is that the girl is passionate about music. It’s her true love, even above Linds, which you’d never believe if you’d seen those two scissor (so I’ve heard – Greg Kinnear has a big mouth. Sorry Greg!).  Sam’s a bit of a showoff too – you’d never really know it from how reserved she can be at her shows but like she always says “she’s aoki-ing on the inside!” So when she started peaking last night and learned that there was no Staind songs on my Singstar, shit hit the fan. I’d never seen a reaction like that from anyone in my life. I mean I’ve seen weird shit, but I’m not kidding – her head opened up like a music box to reveal a miniature Anne Heche dressed like Pierrot the Clown singing the cake in the rain section from MacArthur Park over and over and over again. I mean really…wild wild stuff.

(photo via Scandalist)

•MOSCOW• mar13/09

So today I was thinking of telling Mickey it was high time he spend his latest advance on a stylist but I figured fuck it, the man’s an original. Hanging out with him this afternoon kinda reminded me of when I first met Mickey back when he was working at the Urban Outfitters on Melrose. He used to have to dress “like a faggot” as he called it, but he always had a type of ownership over anything he put on. I remember when he was working he’d wear corduroys and this shirt that said “I’ll be Bach” and had a drawing of ol’ Johann Sebastian wearing shades and carrying a sawed off shotgun. Anyways, one day Steve Guttenberg came in the store and saw Mickey wearing it and started laughing at him. Guttenberg said something like “not in this lifetime Rourke” so Mickey threw him through a plate glass window. Mickey was hard as shit but underneath it all he was still a sensitive guy that just wanted people to like his tee shirt – and I mean really, get serious Guttenberg, you’re no Travolta either.

(photo via Just Jared)

•NEW YORK CITY• mar12/09

Today Angie came over because Brad was in one of his moods. She said she wanted to play ‘The Movie Game’ which for my celeb friends is a little different than the game us normies play. Instead of naming people in movies to create a chain, their version consists of theme days where they choose characters from their past work and live the day as if they were that person. Lucky for me she drew her old bat shit crazy character Lisa from Girl, Interrupted and before I could say “Silvia take your head out of the oven” she’d downed her morning Mangosteen with enough Zoloft to turn tears into Tahiti Treat and ran outside screaming, “It’s a jailbreak!”. Funny thing was when she got outside, instead of running down the street she climbed up the building. I’m not sure where she thought she was going but it was good for a laugh and the doctors tell me she’ll be better in time for her hip-hop yoga class tomorrow. Actors.

(photo via Socialite Life)

•HOLLYWOOD• mar12/09

I’ve gotta take a break from going out for awhile. Tonight was the worst night ever. Rihanna invited me out for Karaoke which was a little awkward since she mentioned Chris Brown was going to be there. Now I say Rihanna because I would call her Rihanna even if I knew her last name because we’re friends, but when I say first name Chris last name Brown it’s because I don’t really know the guy and –– actually fuck the backstory –– can someone just tell me when the shit did Ike and Tina ever record a cover of Proud Mary? Did anyone know this was a big hit? And who the hell asks someone else to pick the songs for them anyways? Isn’t picking your own songs part of the fun of karaoke? I fucking hate karaoke. And I’m sorry but watching Rihanna try and look happy with that guy was about as painful as trying to get through a Kanye West acapella section without my nipple clamps.